Someone stole my bike, and with it, my last shred of faith in the human race. Some have said it's my fault for locking it to a sign. I didn't leave the key in the lock, I assure you. I did however, not notice that the locking device had enough length to it that some average sized man could easily stretch it over the top of the sign. Some criminal mastermind figured this out and when I came out of work, there was one less bike on the curb.
Luckily, the bike had been a gift. I went to the bike store and found myself a new one. The vendor showed me a $1000 dollar model. I tried that out, to humor him, and then asked, "Hey, what about that $300 one over there in the corner?"
"Oh," said he, "You don't want that. It's last year's model."
"Is that a big deal?" said I.
"Uh. I guess not. But, uh, well... it's also cursed. You see, many years ago--"
"I'll take it!"
My new bike just rocks. It's mammoth, the size of a mammoth. Nor do I particularly care that it's not top of the line--it's still much advanced over my previous bicycle. It has gears and a second wheel. It doesn't fit in the shed downstairs, however, so it's now sharing my bedroom. We've had to go over the smoking policy several times.
My helmet was stolen with the bike. This also doesn't bother me much, because the helmet, like the bike, was a gift from my roommate, who had gotten the bike but never used it. He, being much gayer than I am, had a helmet more mauve than I'd prefer.
My new one is Heterosexual Blue. Says so right on the strap.
I plan to protect my new bike with a bit of anti-theft technology Jay and I originally devised to secure laptops. It's called the Dolphin Lock. Basically, you get a cable lock and a dolphin. You fasten the cable to your laptop, run the cable through the dolphin's blowhole, and lock it. Don't worry about the dolphin--they breathe air. The trick here is that dolphins are really heavy. Sure enough, no one ever stole my laptop.
Later we found out that in fact Muslims had invented the Dolphin Lock circa 400 AD. This is all in my forthcoming book, One Thousand and One Things You Can Do With A Blowhole.