MOM: So Scott, what's the difference between goldenrod and ragweed?
SCOTT: They're exactly the same thing.
SCOTT: Pretty much.
MOM: And does goldenrod cause allergies?
SCOTT: I don't understand why you keep asking me questions.
MOM: Or is it only ragweed?
SCOTT: Neither causes allergies. The allergies are caused by the animals the ragweed attract. Like beavers.
MOM: That doesn't sound right.
SCOTT: Also, sparrows. And... oysters.
MOM: You're making this up.
SCOTT: I am not. One of the most majestic sights in the animal kingdom is the annual migration of the oysters. They come over the mountains in a wave, clapping their shells, in search of goldenrod.
MOM: Are you making this up?
SCOTT: What the hell do I know about goldenrod?
DAVID: You know, they call it the Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania, but that's not really appropriate.
SCOTT: Which term do you disapprove of? Grand or canyon?
DAVID: Both. It's more of a... mediocre ditch.
SCOTT: A sub par rut.
DAVID: The ass crack of the world. Making the real Grand Canyon...
SCOTT: The vagina of the world? Deep, wet, full of Indians...
DAVID: You're losing control of the metaphor! Pull up! Pull up!
SCOTT: We should really exit the church if we're going to continue this conversation.
DAVID: So, I just told Mom I have swamp ass, and she said, "Crotch rot?"
SCOTT: Gross. Was she trying to top you or something?
SCOTT: Yeast infection! Hemorrhoids!
DAVID: You win!
SCOTT: Colostomy bag!
MOM: Are these terms you picked up from the MCAT?
SCOTT: No, colostomy bag is the nickname of one of our coworkers. I can't remember why.