Saturday, September 18, 2010

Real Name, Frank

MOM: So Scott, what's the difference between goldenrod and ragweed?

SCOTT:
They're exactly the same thing.

MOM: Really?

SCOTT:
Pretty much.

MOM:
And does goldenrod cause allergies?

SCOTT: I don't understand why you keep asking me questions.

MOM: Or is it only ragweed?

SCOTT: Neither causes allergies. The allergies are caused by the animals the ragweed attract. Like beavers.

MOM: That doesn't sound right.

SCOTT:
Also, sparrows. And... oysters.

MOM: You're making this up.

SCOTT:
I am not. One of the most majestic sights in the animal kingdom is the annual migration of the oysters. They come over the mountains in a wave, clapping their shells, in search of goldenrod.

MOM: Are you making this up?

SCOTT: What the hell do I know about goldenrod?

_____________

DAVID:
You know, they call it the Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania, but that's not really appropriate.

SCOTT: Which term do you disapprove of? Grand or canyon?

DAVID: Both. It's more of a... mediocre ditch.

SCOTT:
A sub par rut.

DAVID:
The ass crack of the world. Making the real Grand Canyon...

SCOTT:
The vagina of the world? Deep, wet, full of Indians...

DAVID:
You're losing control of the metaphor! Pull up! Pull up!

SCOTT:
Aargh!

DAVID:
Aargh!

SCOTT:
We should really exit the church if we're going to continue this conversation.

_______________

DAVID: So, I just told Mom I have swamp ass, and she said, "Crotch rot?"

SCOTT:
Gross. Was she trying to top you or something?

DAVID:
Maybe.

SCOTT:
Yeast infection! Hemorrhoids!

DAVID:
You win!

SCOTT: Colostomy bag!

MOM:
Are these terms you picked up from the MCAT?

SCOTT:
No, colostomy bag is the nickname of one of our coworkers. I can't remember why.

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