Thursday, September 20, 2012

Rorschach was Right

So I was watching Watchmen the other day, which was not nearly as good as I remember, primarily because the Swedish chick can't even act like she's acting, and I watched one scene where the Nite Owl and the Silk Spectre II--that's right: I know their names, best comic book ever written, on Times's list of the 100 greatest novels of all time, check it out you pretentious snobs--kick the living crap out of a gang of would-be muggers, and I thought, gosh, I wish I knew how to do that.

So I googled "how to learn to kick the living crap out of a gang of would-be muggers." And Google answered, "Take muay thai, you scrawny punk who probably got beat up in high school." Google's ability to personalize searches is a bit of a mixed bag.

I'm not trying to be a superhero, but if I was, I would definitely be denying it here.

So I joined a muay thai gym up in Columbia Heights, primarily because I like being the only white person in a place. It makes me feel special. I partnered with a guy who's got a foot and a half on me and is named--I'm pretty sure this was it--Hanah. Hanah's name is an oxytone. An oxytone, Google says, is "a word with the stress on the last syllable, you scrawny punk who probably got beat up in high school." This means I now know three Hanahs, all of whom have a different pronunciation of their names. I will no longer try to make any distinction between these and will henceforth be calling all three "Steve." My friend Steve recently gave birth to twins.

The other Steve never hit me. Instead he kicked the pads I was holding, which drove my own fist into my own face, five or six times. I swallowed some blood, which seems to me must be, nutritionally, a wash. We learned 360 kicks, during which the coaches said, these are fun, because at least one person will face plant during this. "That's me," I said, raising my hand (but it wasn't! it was some dude behind me. There was applause). Kicking a person turns out to be really fucking fun, especially when he isn't allowed to kick back.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to work on my costume.

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