Thankful Chat

AUNT: I actually saw a fox on the beach while I was jogging.

SCOTT: Fox on the beach? That sounds like a nice drink. And let me tell you, if that fox looked at you... it also saw a fox on the beach.

AUNT: Aw -- what do you want for Christmas?

SCOTT: I take checks.


Jacob: happy thanksgiving
unfortunately I won't be there this year

me: Well, you know you have a standing invitation to any Scheule holiday.

Jacob: do the Scheule's celebrate talk like a pirate day?

me: Yes. Somehow my Mom makes it about Jesus. "Avast ye mateys, who be that Jewish fella walkin' on thar waves?"

Jacob: haha
that scheule wit
ought to be illegal
too dangerous

me: It actually is illegal in Montana. We found that out the hard way. Carnal knowledge of moose is also frowned upon.

Uselessly Vague

I'm often called on to do stylistic edits of publications here. A month or so ago I circled a sentence in something I was reviewing and wrote in red: "Uselessly vague." A partner, reading my notes, liked this. He has, he explained, spent his entire career attempting to be "uselessly vague." He's since written the phrase in big letters on his dry-erase board and adopted it as his personal motto.

Latin Racquetball Terms

These are my own translations, and may well be wrong, but there's no bad reason to scream out "SEX!" in the gym:


I. ūnus
II. duo
III. trēs
IV. quattuor
V. quīnque
VI. sex
VII. septem
VIII. octō
IX. novem
X. decem
XI. ūndecim
XII. duodecim
XIII. tredecim
XIV. quattuordecim
XV. quīndecim

Sex omnia.
Six all.

Ūnus ad ūnum.
One to one.

NB: “ad” governs the accusative. The only number with an accusative differing from the nominative (for our purposes) is one.


Fuit longus!
It was long!

Fuit brevis!
It was short!

Battuī eam bis!
I hit it twice!

Mea culpa!
My fault!

Grātiās (tibi) agō!
Thanks!

Reditus bonus!
Good return!

Dōnum magnum!
Great serve [lit. offering]!

Pila tua.
Your ball.

Tetigit solum!
(It) touched the floor!

Esne prōmptus?
Are you ready?

Obstrūctiō!
Obstruction!

(Mē) Obstruxistī!
You obstructed (me)!

tēctum
ceiling

Vīctōria!
Victory!

Vīcī! Vīcistī!
I won! You won!

Perdidī! Perdidistī!
I lost! You lost!

Certāmen bonum.
Good game.

Quaerō aquam.
I want water.

Sitīsne?
Thirsty?

satis (indecl)
enough

Merda!
Shit!

Tē futue Scōte!
Fuck you, Scott!


I prepared these phrases with the purest of intentions, but one of my bosses pointed out that many function as double entendres. While I grant that some are common lovemaking exclamations (Esne prōmptus? Obstrūctiō! Vīcī, vīcī, vīcī! -- Vīctōria! -- ...satis Scōte.) and others are typical of day after gossip (Fuit brevis. Fuit longus. ...tetigit solum... Battuī eam bis!), one really has to have his or her mind in the gutter to connect the remainder with anything coital (Merda!? ... ... ... mea culpa).

Superbia

I organized a dinner and play outing Saturday for half a dozen or so folks, which went well. The play was all right, but the highlight was much earlier during the meal, when I quizzed Jay on the state of our table and he got it (nearly) correct.

SCŌTUS: Gāī! Habēsne mēnsam?

GĀIUS: Ita est, mēnsam habeō.

SCŌTUS: Quam mēnsam habēs?

GĀIUS: Habeō... mēnsam ex lapidō?

SCŌTUS: Lapide. But otherwise, perfect!

(Translation: Jay, have you a table? Yes, I have a table. Which table do you have? I have the stone table.)

In Loco Parentis

Scott/EYLLP/US: Yeah, I told Diana I'd be a good babysitter -- then five minutes later I told her I killed one of my roommate's houseplants. So I've yet to get a request.

Jelena/EYLLP/US: is your roommate still alive? if so, where's the problem?

Scott D. Scheule/EYLLP/US: My roommate's fine. They reattached the arm and everything, I don't know why he keeps complaining.

GLOBE

BOSS: You want an official 2003 Global Transfer Pricing Update globe?

SCOTT: Absolutely! I'm honored!

BOSS: We've got dozens of them, nobody wants them.

SCOTT: This is the greatest moment of my corporate career. Come round everyone, see my globe! A reward for being the firm's longest intern! Voila!

LEIGH ANN: Wow!

DAN: Whoa!

SCOTT: Yes, that's right, you all want one now. Envy me. Within it, I can see the future of abstruse international tax regimes. And my nose!

I May Have Been Cursed

I like to grab breakfast at McDonald's, because it gives me a chance to practice my Spanish and it's delicious. Tables are usually scarce at the local Mickey Dees, so I usually ask one of the people there -- almost always derelicts -- if I can sit with them, to which they always oblige.

Today, I asked a woman if I could join her -- a young, not unattractive woman, but obviously homeless. She said, in a very sweet voice, "Of course." As I was wolfing down my hash brown, I was pondering how such an obviously pleasant person could have found herself in such straits. Then, as I moved on to the McBiscuit, she turned to me and hissed "Fuck off, why don't you!" and threw a pack of sugar at my face.

I considered my options: abandon my breakfast sandwich half-eaten -- unthinkable; move to another table -- but I was already settled; or just ignore the outburst and sit there with the crazy lady, risking being hit with further condiments. I opted to stay put and finish my breakfast.

Things passed without further incident, until she spilled a packet of salt on the table, took a deep breath, and blew it in my face.

British

Yesterday I was on site interviewing a client, five hours, for some such stuff we need, and for the second time I was accused of having a British accent. Where are you from? said he. South Jersey, said I. Whoa, I was way off, he said. Was guessing London.

As I've never been to England, nor do I know anyone British (and if I did I certainly wouldn't talk to them), I wonder where this mysterious flavor came from. Was it a certain fascination with phonology that led me to slavishly try and pronounce every letter? Is it osmosis through constant rewatching of The Office, Rome, Extras, and I, Claudius? Is it because, one day, seven years ago, I decided I was going to pronounce "why" as "hwy" just because I preferred the sound of it and also, it seemed useful to be able to distinguish between "whale" and "wail?" (To date, no one has asked me whether I meant 'whale' or 'wail.' But nor had they done it before the change.) Or am I subconsciously affecting snobbishness? But I also say "y'all." So I have no clue.

To you reading this, so many thousands of years in the future, remember, these are the issues people of our time spent their hours pondering. Also, some of us read whiny books about vampiric teenagers. And remember, if you've perfected time travel, send me something only people in the future could know, like the date of the next solar eclipse, so I can convince the current populace I'm a wizard.

Parenting

DIANA: Our downstairs neighbor's been complaining to the landlord because Gabriela runs around in the afternoon. I'm not going to restrict my child's development just because she makes a little noise in the middle of the day!

SCOTT: Maybe Gabriela should be an "outside baby."

DIANA: Are you serious?

SCOTT: I mean, our dogs used to do the same thing, so we built this pen next to the house. Everyone was happy.