Giving

DENISE: Oh, it's an "I Gave Blood" sticker. I thought it was one of those "I'm Special" buttons.

SCOTT: I don't need a button for people to know I'm special--that's what the tattoo's for.

Haircut

HAIRDRESSER: How do you want your sideburns?

SCOTT: Short.

HAIRDRESSER: Ok.

SCOTT: And the same length.

HAIRDRESSER: Are you sure?

SCOTT: Yeah, I don't care what the kids are doing nowadays.

He'll Be Legendary

LAURA: So they did an ultrasound. My baby's head is in the ninety-ninth percentile and his legs are in the fourteenth. Giant head... tiny little legs. He's going to fall over constantly.

CARLOS: He's going to be a soccer player.

SCOTT: No! You should get him started in a sport that requires falling headfirst. Like, um... diving!

Sequels

SCOTT: I have an idea for a movie: "The Social Network 2: The Rise of FarmVille."

Herbert

Hanah: Charlie has learned that really annoying technique where I ask him to take one bite of his food, so he picks up a nearly invisible molecule of food and eats it.


Scott: Time to put him up for adoption.


Hanah: Fortunately, he's being extra-cute at the same time.


Scott: Very clever of him.


Hanah: Yes, it's all part of his plan to take over the world.


Scott: He's the Kwisatz Haderach!


Hanah: the what?


Scott: I can't believe you thought you could bring forth the Kwisatz Haderach before his time!


Hanah: ok...


Scott: Ah. Apropos of nothing, you should read Dune.


Hanah: I did once, but I didn't understand it.


Scott: It's Dune, not Finnegan's Wake.

Deportolitics

SERBIAN COWORKER: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating. Serbia's playing France in an hour.

SCOTT: Very exciting.

SERBIAN COWORKER: And do you know what happens if we win?

SCOTT: They give you Kosovo back?

Draughts

SCOTT: I had a great line in Russian class. In the book, there was a blurb about how all Russians like to play chess, so I asked the professor if she played. She said, yes, and checkers, too, though in Russia checkers has different rules. And I said, 'Like what? Red team always wins?'

JAY: That's pretty good.

SCOTT: Right, but the first time I said it, no one responded. So I had to say it again louder, and then it killed.

The News

Metro.

GIRL on cell phone: What? Where are you? Oh, one second. (Holds up cell phone)) Listen! My friend's at a Sting concert. Here, you can actually hear him performing.

SCOTT: Wow. Sting over the phone is better than Huey Lewis in person.

ANOTHER GIRL: You're terrible. (Punches me in the arm and gets off the Metro.)

FIRST GIRL: Did you know that girl?

SCOTT: No.

FIRST GIRL: She hit you really hard.

SCOTT: I guess she's a Huey Lewis fan.