Thursday, June 21, 2007



SCOTT: Class today?

A.J.: Nah, I don't need that essay prep. You know how they keep saying if you get 50% on the practice tests already you don't need the course? Well, I hear this and say, then why did I waste my damn money?

SCOTT: I hear you. I haven't actually, you know, taken a practice test, but I'm sure if I did I'd score over 50%.

A.J.: Totally.

SCOTT: I've always been a good guesser. My secret? I just roll the bones before every question.

A.J.: Right. An ankle bone touching a neckbone means...

SCOTT: Replevin.

Professional Responsibility, NY Style

BARBRI LECTURER: Which brings us to the most interesting part of the lecture, which is of course the rule that lawyers may not have sex with their clients. I'm going to say it again because it's what we've all been waiting for: sex. Sex. In fact, if you do have sex with a client, you should withdraw immediately. So to speak.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

This is Not a Blogpost

At that stage of exhaustion where I'm thinking up things I can do that don't take any energy, and thinking, Nah, that would take too much energy.

So copy and pasting.

Jay Goodman Tamboli says: Break. I'm not getting up this time.

Scott says: How are you going to get me my coffee then?

Jay Goodman Tamboli says: I'll think about that.

Jay Goodman Tamboli says: I'll let you know my decision in about 8 minutes and 28 seconds.

Scott says: Jay Tamboli cannot consistently not get me coffee.

Jay Goodman Tamboli says: Watch me.


Jay Goodman Tamboli says: Bring me some more Gatorade.

Scott says:
What flavor?

Jay Goodman Tamboli says:

Scott says:
The only flavor we got is "Next time bring me my coffee when I ask for it, bitch."

Scott says:
It's got a lightning bolt on it!


Scott says: We should make a [Wikipedia entry]: "Wikipedia cannot consistently host this entry."

Turly Hilar

You even did the theme music! I think.


yes! i did!


Ted Koppel couldn't even do that! He tried once, and the producers listened, and they said, "Ted, that's just the theme from The Empire Strikes Back." And he was like, "No way! Really?"

So you're going to do well, that's the point.


ur hilar.
turly hilar

Monday, June 18, 2007

Patter En Route

DAVID: You got to tell me. Is the Silver Surfer really a bad guy?

SCOTT: The Silver Surfer is the herald of Galactus. Galactus is the destroyer of worlds.

DAVID: Woah.

You see, there are three forces in the universe. Galactus is the incarnation of the force of destruction. Somebody else is the force of, like, creation.

DAVID: What's the third one?

SCOTT: The third what?

DAVID: The third force.

Um... uh... ...sour.

DAVID: Sour?

SCOTT: Sour apple.

Sour apple?

The force of sour apple. You've got your destruction, your creation, and your sour apple. Those are the three elements of the universe.

So there's like a god of sour apple? The god of Airheads and Jolly Ranchers?

The sour apple-flavored Airheads and Jolly Ranchers.

Shut up.

You shut up.


On the bus ride back, I got stuck next to a fat guy. So, although I paid for a full seat, I only got to enjoy the half of it that wasn't drenched in his semi-liquid right arm. The lady behind me filled up enough of her seat to make leaning back impossible, so there I was, smothered against an adipose avalanche. I made the most of it and tried to sleep.

Then his belly literally began to engulf me through the process of phagocytosis. I nodded off while it was happening, and when I woke up somewhere around Baltimore I was trapped in a vacuole, sealed in by a semi-permeable membrane made of phospholipids and Supersized McGriddles. I was like, "Hey dude, what the hell. Let me out."

Other idea for when you get stuck next to a larger person: Build your very own fat fort.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Dinner Music

GRANDMOTHER: Why can't you put something classical on?



Because no one appreciates it.

Why do you assume that?

Because none of you care what classical music happens to be on. You just want anything pretty, but you don't actually listen to it. You want it on so you don't pay attention to it. You'll say play some Mozart, but you have no idea if what's on is Mozart or not.

What? You don't like Mozart?

SCOTT: I do like Mozart, but I'm entitled to, because I can actually tell you specific pieces by Mozart that I like.

I like the Minuet in G. Bah... de-dah, de-dah, de-dah, de-dah.

SCOTT: That's Beethoven.

MOM: Bah, ba-da-da-da-dah, da da. Bah, ba-da-da-da-dah, da da.

Bach. You're O for 2, y'all want to keep trying?

MOM: You're a snob.

SCOTT: I'm allowed to be a snob about one thing.