SCOTT: What's a Hebrew's favorite martial art?
JACOB: I don't know.
SCOTT: Jew-jitsu.
JACOB: Not bad.
SCOTT: I would have also accepted Jew-do.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Gymnast?
COWORKER: (whisper) So are you... (inaudible)?
SCOTT: What?
COWORKER: Are you (inaudible)?
SCOTT: Am I a gymnast?
COWORKER: Are you Jewish?
SCOTT: Oh, Jewish! No. It's the last name, isn't it?
COWORKER: Yeah. "Scheule."
SCOTT: Yeah, I've had a lot of problems with that. I'm thinking of just changing it to "Schedule." For one, no more of these misunderstandings. Two, it's easier to spell. And three, it's just got a positive connotation. With a last name like Schedule, you know I'm going to be on time for things.
SCOTT: What?
COWORKER: Are you (inaudible)?
SCOTT: Am I a gymnast?
COWORKER: Are you Jewish?
SCOTT: Oh, Jewish! No. It's the last name, isn't it?
COWORKER: Yeah. "Scheule."
SCOTT: Yeah, I've had a lot of problems with that. I'm thinking of just changing it to "Schedule." For one, no more of these misunderstandings. Two, it's easier to spell. And three, it's just got a positive connotation. With a last name like Schedule, you know I'm going to be on time for things.
FotC
JAY: What is this file you're sending me?
SCOTT: It's nothing. Just start the download.
JAY: This is Flight of the Conchords, isn't it?
SCOTT: ...No.
JAY: Stop sending me this! It's not funny!
SCOTT: It's hilarious!
SCOTT: It's nothing. Just start the download.
JAY: This is Flight of the Conchords, isn't it?
SCOTT: ...No.
JAY: Stop sending me this! It's not funny!
SCOTT: It's hilarious!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Bone Soup
DAVID: I just bought this book. It's got all this stuff about how to purify water and skin animals.
SCOTT: So you're ready for the apocalypse.
DAVID: Big time. Cause when it hits, everybody's going to be in the woods. And I'll know what to do.
SCOTT: That's right. That's a human being's first instinct: world ends, head for the forest.
DAVID: Damn right!
SCOTT: Only you'll already be there. "Where are all the squirrels to eat?" they'll say. "Who has eaten all the squirrels!"
DAVID: Yes! But then, when they're looking for the squirrels, I'll be back in their houses.
SCOTT: Right.
DAVID: Because the first instinct in case of apocalypse is to head for the woods, not to head for home.
SCOTT: So they'll be in the woods, and you'll be helping yourself to their canned soup in their pantries.
DAVID: Totally.
SCOTT: Soup is better than squirrels in my opinion. There are no bones to pick out.
DAVID: Yep.
SCOTT: Except for Campbell's Bone Soup. But the bones are kind of the point when it comes to that one.
DAVID: They've had trouble selling that one.
SCOTT: I know. The commercials are ridiculous. "Bone Soup! It's Mmm, Mmm... *hack* *hack*..."
DAVID: *hack* *gag*...
SCOTT: *gag!!*...
DAVID: *hack! hack!*...
SCOTT: *hack... gulp* ... Good.
DAVID: Crazy.
SCOTT: So you're ready for the apocalypse.
DAVID: Big time. Cause when it hits, everybody's going to be in the woods. And I'll know what to do.
SCOTT: That's right. That's a human being's first instinct: world ends, head for the forest.
DAVID: Damn right!
SCOTT: Only you'll already be there. "Where are all the squirrels to eat?" they'll say. "Who has eaten all the squirrels!"
DAVID: Yes! But then, when they're looking for the squirrels, I'll be back in their houses.
SCOTT: Right.
DAVID: Because the first instinct in case of apocalypse is to head for the woods, not to head for home.
SCOTT: So they'll be in the woods, and you'll be helping yourself to their canned soup in their pantries.
DAVID: Totally.
SCOTT: Soup is better than squirrels in my opinion. There are no bones to pick out.
DAVID: Yep.
SCOTT: Except for Campbell's Bone Soup. But the bones are kind of the point when it comes to that one.
DAVID: They've had trouble selling that one.
SCOTT: I know. The commercials are ridiculous. "Bone Soup! It's Mmm, Mmm... *hack* *hack*..."
DAVID: *hack* *gag*...
SCOTT: *gag!!*...
DAVID: *hack! hack!*...
SCOTT: *hack... gulp* ... Good.
DAVID: Crazy.
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