Saturday, August 18, 2007

Speaking of...

SCOTT: What's a Hebrew's favorite martial art?

JACOB: I don't know.

SCOTT: Jew-jitsu.

JACOB: Not bad.

SCOTT: I would have also accepted Jew-do.

Thursday, August 16, 2007


COWORKER: (whisper) So are you... (inaudible)?

SCOTT: What?

COWORKER: Are you (inaudible)?

SCOTT: Am I a gymnast?

COWORKER: Are you Jewish?

SCOTT: Oh, Jewish! No. It's the last name, isn't it?

COWORKER: Yeah. "Scheule."

Yeah, I've had a lot of problems with that. I'm thinking of just changing it to "Schedule." For one, no more of these misunderstandings. Two, it's easier to spell. And three, it's just got a positive connotation. With a last name like Schedule, you know I'm going to be on time for things.


JAY: What is this file you're sending me?

SCOTT: It's nothing. Just start the download.

JAY: This is Flight of the Conchords, isn't it?

SCOTT: ...No.

JAY: Stop sending me this! It's not funny!

It's hilarious!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Bone Soup

DAVID: I just bought this book. It's got all this stuff about how to purify water and skin animals.

SCOTT: So you're ready for the apocalypse.

DAVID: Big time. Cause when it hits, everybody's going to be in the woods. And I'll know what to do.

SCOTT: That's right. That's a human being's first instinct: world ends, head for the forest.

DAVID: Damn right!

SCOTT: Only you'll already be there. "Where are all the squirrels to eat?" they'll say. "Who has eaten all the squirrels!"

DAVID: Yes! But then, when they're looking for the squirrels, I'll be back in their houses.

SCOTT: Right.

DAVID: Because the first instinct in case of apocalypse is to head for the woods, not to head for home.

So they'll be in the woods, and you'll be helping yourself to their canned soup in their pantries.


SCOTT: Soup is better than squirrels in my opinion. There are no bones to pick out.


SCOTT: Except for Campbell's Bone Soup. But the bones are kind of the point when it comes to that one.

They've had trouble selling that one.

I know. The commercials are ridiculous. "Bone Soup! It's Mmm, Mmm... *hack* *hack*..."

DAVID: *hack* *gag*...

SCOTT: *gag!!*...

DAVID: *hack! hack!*...

*hack... gulp* ... Good.

DAVID: Crazy.