Saturday, August 18, 2007

Speaking of...

SCOTT: What's a Hebrew's favorite martial art?

JACOB: I don't know.

SCOTT: Jew-jitsu.

JACOB: Not bad.

SCOTT: I would have also accepted Jew-do.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Gymnast?

COWORKER: (whisper) So are you... (inaudible)?

SCOTT: What?

COWORKER: Are you (inaudible)?

SCOTT: Am I a gymnast?

COWORKER: Are you Jewish?

SCOTT: Oh, Jewish! No. It's the last name, isn't it?

COWORKER: Yeah. "Scheule."

SCOTT:
Yeah, I've had a lot of problems with that. I'm thinking of just changing it to "Schedule." For one, no more of these misunderstandings. Two, it's easier to spell. And three, it's just got a positive connotation. With a last name like Schedule, you know I'm going to be on time for things.

FotC

JAY: What is this file you're sending me?

SCOTT: It's nothing. Just start the download.

JAY: This is Flight of the Conchords, isn't it?

SCOTT: ...No.

JAY: Stop sending me this! It's not funny!

SCOTT:
It's hilarious!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Bone Soup

DAVID: I just bought this book. It's got all this stuff about how to purify water and skin animals.

SCOTT: So you're ready for the apocalypse.

DAVID: Big time. Cause when it hits, everybody's going to be in the woods. And I'll know what to do.

SCOTT: That's right. That's a human being's first instinct: world ends, head for the forest.

DAVID: Damn right!

SCOTT: Only you'll already be there. "Where are all the squirrels to eat?" they'll say. "Who has eaten all the squirrels!"

DAVID: Yes! But then, when they're looking for the squirrels, I'll be back in their houses.

SCOTT: Right.

DAVID: Because the first instinct in case of apocalypse is to head for the woods, not to head for home.

SCOTT:
So they'll be in the woods, and you'll be helping yourself to their canned soup in their pantries.

DAVID:
Totally.

SCOTT: Soup is better than squirrels in my opinion. There are no bones to pick out.

DAVID:
Yep.

SCOTT: Except for Campbell's Bone Soup. But the bones are kind of the point when it comes to that one.

DAVID:
They've had trouble selling that one.

SCOTT:
I know. The commercials are ridiculous. "Bone Soup! It's Mmm, Mmm... *hack* *hack*..."

DAVID: *hack* *gag*...

SCOTT: *gag!!*...

DAVID: *hack! hack!*...

SCOTT:
*hack... gulp* ... Good.

DAVID: Crazy.