Friday, April 11, 2008

Symphony with Todd and Joshana

SCOTT: Well here we are: a Mormon, a Jew, and an atheist. You know what, we should walk into a bar.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

How to Be a White Knight on a Steed

When I was in college, I used to have a fearful work ethic. I went to bed at 11, got up at 6, took course overloads, got As, went to the gym, and practiced voice and piano daily. I don't know why I had this ambition. I don't remember where I lost it either. I do remember buying nasty ass protein bars made out of some rubbery blend of chocolate, peanut butter and plastic. You couldn't eat this alone--you had to bite, then take a swig of water and let it dissolve, then swallow before it gathered its strength and resolidified. I'd sit and chew on these in the practice rooms late at night while I worked on Bach inventions (and sometimes Monkees songs).

It's like eating mud.

Yet, for some reason, I've started to crave these again. I don't know why. I bought two today. I ate the first one--it was repulsive. It was loamy. Then I ate another. I did not enjoy a single bite. I desire more. Am I trying to ingest nostalgia? Is my body making a futile attempt at recapturing the diligence of years past?

Time for some more calculus. I've just started taking derivatives--still on the long way, i.e. lim as h veers for zero of the function of x plus h less the function of x all that junk over h. There's an easier way, but that would be cheating.

[10:12:51 PM] Jay Goodman Tamboli says: There was a great episode of the Penn Jillette show where they discussed this.

[10:12:56 PM] Jay Goodman Tamboli says:
Chimps will attack midgets.

[10:13:02 PM] Jay Goodman Tamboli says:
So they had to test this.

[10:13:11 PM] Jay Goodman Tamboli says:
They got a midget and a chimp to come to the same party.

[10:13:26 PM] Jay Goodman Tamboli says:
The chimp had no problems while the midget was sitting on a stool, 'cause I guess he looked tall.

[10:13:35 PM] Jay Goodman Tamboli says:
But they positioned him near a pool. JUST IN CASE.

[10:14:49 PM] Scott says:
Hahaha.

[10:14:54 PM] Scott says:
Heh.

[10:15:31 PM] Scott says:
But we need the midgets. They provide the clean burning energy the American economy needs.

Privacy

DAVID: So I just found out that any email I send at work is stored by the company.

SCOTT: I wouldn't worry about it. They probably only read it if it's got certain words in it. Like "embezzle."

DAVID: Right.

SCOTT: I'm going to use that word in every email I send to you from now on. "Have a Happy Embezzling Day!"

DAVID: Maybe there's an alternate meaning to it.

SCOTT: Maybe you could use it as slang. "I embezzled, fuh shizzle."

DAVID: Word.

SCOTT: "I took her back to my place and did some embezzling."

DAVID:
Nice.

SCOTT: "I raided the pension fund, if you get my drift."

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Evolution

I've lost weight, four pounds since I started working out a month or so ago.

Recently I bought a new computer, but it turned out to not be precisely what I wanted. This is Jay's fault, though I'm still working on the proof that demonstrates how. Regardless, I've got to return the device I'm presently typing on and it has nothing to do with me not being able to play certain video games on it.

I went a little nuts in Barnes and Noble today. Part of the haul was a couple of teach yourself calculus books, which is how I spent my evening. You might be tempted to ask why--but why ask why? It's not like our preferences are rational. You just take them as givens and go. You see, the human mind has slots available for exactly 256 preferences, i.e. things we want. Evolution managed to fill up about 150 of these slots with "sex", another 40 with "SEX!!!" and then a dozen or so with "sleep" "water" and, in my case, "Breyers Black Cherry Yogurt." That leaves 80 or so open slots that get filled completely at random (vacuum energy is involved). Often a new preference, unus desirus novus, will arise and knock out an old preference--which instantly attaches to the person nearest you. So chances are I got my math hankering from some geek in the bookstore today, and some poor lady probably ended up with my penchant for chasing squirrels around the park with a giant novelty spatula.

Now you're wondering why evolution didn't just fill up all the slots with "SEX," but you're assuming that every feature exhibits optimized fitness, when really a lot of our traits are just there because, way back when, one of our cavemen ancestors stood too close to the microwave. That's why some people like math. I know it's why I do. It's also why I made an appointment with my career counselor at 8:30 AM tomorrow. At least, I can't think of any other reason for it.

Actually, I need to relearn math because I need to learn advanced physics, and that's because that has serious philosophical implications, which all gets back to the whole meaning of life thing, which is what I like to think about instead of actually working. You know, in the rare microseconds of "SEX!!!" respite.

Two books done in the long list of Hugo Award winners. I'm unimpressed. Maybe I should switch to the Pulitzer.


[9:02:50 PM] Jay Goodman Tamboli says:
I miss calculus.

[9:03:47 PM] Scott says:
It is refreshingly perfect. Much better than law.

[9:03:59 PM] Scott says: Except for that fucking Goedel thing.