Friday, November 06, 2009

I May Have Been Cursed

I like to grab breakfast at McDonald's, because it gives me a chance to practice my Spanish and it's delicious. Tables are usually scarce at the local Mickey Dees, so I usually ask one of the people there -- almost always derelicts -- if I can sit with them, to which they always oblige.

Today, I asked a woman if I could join her -- a young, not unattractive woman, but obviously homeless. She said, in a very sweet voice, "Of course." As I was wolfing down my hash brown, I was pondering how such an obviously pleasant person could have found herself in such straits. Then, as I moved on to the McBiscuit, she turned to me and hissed "Fuck off, why don't you!" and threw a pack of sugar at my face.

I considered my options: abandon my breakfast sandwich half-eaten -- unthinkable; move to another table -- but I was already settled; or just ignore the outburst and sit there with the crazy lady, risking being hit with further condiments. I opted to stay put and finish my breakfast.

Things passed without further incident, until she spilled a packet of salt on the table, took a deep breath, and blew it in my face.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009


Yesterday I was on site interviewing a client, five hours, for some such stuff we need, and for the second time I was accused of having a British accent. Where are you from? said he. South Jersey, said I. Whoa, I was way off, he said. Was guessing London.

As I've never been to England, nor do I know anyone British (and if I did I certainly wouldn't talk to them), I wonder where this mysterious flavor came from. Was it a certain fascination with phonology that led me to slavishly try and pronounce every letter? Is it osmosis through constant rewatching of The Office, Rome, Extras, and I, Claudius? Is it because, one day, seven years ago, I decided I was going to pronounce "why" as "hwy" just because I preferred the sound of it and also, it seemed useful to be able to distinguish between "whale" and "wail?" (To date, no one has asked me whether I meant 'whale' or 'wail.' But nor had they done it before the change.) Or am I subconsciously affecting snobbishness? But I also say "y'all." So I have no clue.

To you reading this, so many thousands of years in the future, remember, these are the issues people of our time spent their hours pondering. Also, some of us read whiny books about vampiric teenagers. And remember, if you've perfected time travel, send me something only people in the future could know, like the date of the next solar eclipse, so I can convince the current populace I'm a wizard.