Monday, December 07, 2009

E&Y Classical Division

CARLOS: Not like Scott Scheule, tireless worker.

I do what I can.

Let me tell you, if this job required learning the Latin language, Scott Scheule really would be a workhorse.

I'd be on the partner track. I'm just waiting for the Ernst and Young Classical Languages Department to open up. In fact, I've been floating the idea to several higher-ups -- not much interest thus far.

We should all speak in Latin, to keep the company secrets confidential.

A great idea.

And Pig Latin doesn't count.

Yeah, we tried that once. Price Waterhouse cracked the code in minutes.

Xenia (Greek: ξενία, xenía) is the Greek concept of hospitality, or generosity and courtesy shown to those who are far from home.

Records of this time are patchy at their best, but as I recall and from various eyewitnesses I've talked to, events unfolded something like this: Nick found April in some Asian country, probably a Korea, and shortly thereafter proposed to her. Wedding invitations were sent out and the wedding party was requested to get fitted at their local Jo Banks for the requisite tuxedos. The wedding party swiftly did this.

Except for me. Now I have a Jo Banks within one block of my home, because I live pretty much at a mall -- moreover, I eat most meals in that mall food court. But, you know, I was busy or something, so I didn't get around to getting fitted. For eight months.

Nick start to spam my cell phone with messages. Sometimes, during his voicemails (I had long since stopped picking up when I saw his number), one could hear April roaring in the background, overturning furniture and saying nasty things about my parents. Eventually, I did, however, get fitted -- took five minutes. You would think that would be the end of it, but it was not, because I also missed the rehearsal; although I got to the Chicago airport with plenty of time to make it to the site in Wisconsin, I spent a few extra hours in the baggage claim finishing the last Harry Potter book, which had just been released.

Anyway, the point is, April still hates me for all this, and has vowed to always do so. And whenever I feel I've finally won her over with my charms, which, as we all know, are boundless, then she'll be some kind of subtle passive aggressive reference to my past sins.

But no longer! Because visiting their abode in the Dallas burbs last weekend, I brought with me a spectacular offering: a fairly expensive greeting card, calligraphied delicately with endless perorations of my remorse. Pictures enclosed. And with that, everyone who's ever met me loves me again.

To Nick and that girl he married

For the Bride and Groom on this day many days after the beautiful occasion that I almost missed because I'm a lazy bastard

Wishing you will forgive me (with all your love and joy) Despite! all the days that have passed/Because I suffer from a long-festering guilt for having almost missed the start of your happy life together, but, in my defense that last Harry Potter book was really good -- and though that doesn't excuse, you know, almost missing the happiest day of your lives, still, cut a Muggle some f@$%ing slack.

Love, Scott

Good names for children: (FYI)
Scott but with one T
Scott the Younger
Scott Invictus
Scotopolous (in case he comes out Greek)
Scott (again)

(Female children may be left to die of exposure or named Scottisha)

(Also, I'm sorry I spilled some beer on this card.)