Saturday, August 28, 2010

Being There

GIRL ON METRO: You have a very pleasant attitude.

ME: I'm quite surprised you can tell, without even talking to me.

GIRL: I pay attention to these things. You have a nice attitude. It's refreshing.

ME: Thank you. So what do you do?

GIRL: I work in preserving ocean habitats.

ME: I'm a lawyer.

GIRL: A DC lawyer, with a pleasant attitude. That's a first.

ME:
Well, I'm not a very good lawyer, if that explains anything.

________________________________

JAY:
After this episode, I made Emily watch "Being There."

SCOTT:
You made me watch it, too.

EMILY:
You never made me watch it.

SCOTT:
My God, Jay, did you just get Emily and me mixed up? When you proposed to Emily, you sure you didn't think you were proposing to me, right?

Fung-Shwit

JAY: We're having a friend come over to give us some home decorating tips.

SCOTT: I got to say, Jay, I'm kind of hurt you didn't come to me.

JAY:
You have two flat screen televisions in your room!*

SCOTT:
I know! Isn't it awesome?


* Neither of which, incidentally, I use.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Principate

SCOTT: You see, Augustus preserved the Senate even though in reality he and the future emperors possessed all of the power, up until Diocletian said screw it, and stopped going through the charade. But until then, the Senate was just a rubber stamp, with everybody just pretending it meant something. Like we do now with the Constitution.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Size

OPTOMETRIST: Has anyone in your family ever had glaucoma?

SCOTT:
No.

OPTOMETRIST: Can you read the bottom line?

SCOTT: Yes. But let's go back to that glaucoma thing. Why did you ask that?

OPTOMETRIST:
Because your optic nerves are huge.

SCOTT:
Damn right.

OPTOMETRIST:
That can be bad.

SCOTT:
Oh.

________________

DIANA: Have you been going to the gym? You're bigger than I remember.

SCOTT: You're smaller than I remember. Much.

DIANA: I had a baby.

SCOTT: That was my point.

________________

SCOTT:
I can't get over how small he is. Look at him!

DIANA (holding Nicolas):
He used to be smaller.

SCOTT: Thank you, yes, I have a basic understanding of the process. Let me get a picture.