Saturday, September 18, 2010

Real Name, Frank

MOM: So Scott, what's the difference between goldenrod and ragweed?

SCOTT:
They're exactly the same thing.

MOM: Really?

SCOTT:
Pretty much.

MOM:
And does goldenrod cause allergies?

SCOTT: I don't understand why you keep asking me questions.

MOM: Or is it only ragweed?

SCOTT: Neither causes allergies. The allergies are caused by the animals the ragweed attract. Like beavers.

MOM: That doesn't sound right.

SCOTT:
Also, sparrows. And... oysters.

MOM: You're making this up.

SCOTT:
I am not. One of the most majestic sights in the animal kingdom is the annual migration of the oysters. They come over the mountains in a wave, clapping their shells, in search of goldenrod.

MOM: Are you making this up?

SCOTT: What the hell do I know about goldenrod?

_____________

DAVID:
You know, they call it the Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania, but that's not really appropriate.

SCOTT: Which term do you disapprove of? Grand or canyon?

DAVID: Both. It's more of a... mediocre ditch.

SCOTT:
A sub par rut.

DAVID:
The ass crack of the world. Making the real Grand Canyon...

SCOTT:
The vagina of the world? Deep, wet, full of Indians...

DAVID:
You're losing control of the metaphor! Pull up! Pull up!

SCOTT:
Aargh!

DAVID:
Aargh!

SCOTT:
We should really exit the church if we're going to continue this conversation.

_______________

DAVID: So, I just told Mom I have swamp ass, and she said, "Crotch rot?"

SCOTT:
Gross. Was she trying to top you or something?

DAVID:
Maybe.

SCOTT:
Yeast infection! Hemorrhoids!

DAVID:
You win!

SCOTT: Colostomy bag!

MOM:
Are these terms you picked up from the MCAT?

SCOTT:
No, colostomy bag is the nickname of one of our coworkers. I can't remember why.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Carlos Improbus

CARLOS: Puer probus est. The boy is good.

SCOTT:
Right, just like our coworker.

JAY: What?

SCOTT:
We have a coworker named Carlos Probus. Carlos the Good.

JAY:
So you work with a Carlos Probus and Carlos Mallo?

SCOTT:
Right.

JAY: Carlos the Good, and Carlos the Bad? You have a good Carlos and a bad Carlos?

SCOTT:
And the only way to tell them apart is the bad Carlos's goatee.

JAY: How has this never come up before?

SCOTT:
I honestly never noticed.

Being Smart is Fun

SCOTT: You know, I know we've been talking to each other for months now, but I never actually got your name.

GUY: Yeah, I'm glad you finally brought that up. I'm Alfred.

SCOTT: Good to meet you, Alfred. Scott. Any nickname?

ALF: I've gone by pretty much every iteration of the name at one point or another. During the 80s, when the sitcom was huge, people called me Alf.

SCOTT: There's also a fantastic movie starring Michael Caine called Alfie.

ALFIE:
Ah, there was a remake of that.

SCOTT:
Which sucked. But the original is top-notch--and the best part is it came with a song over the credits. What's it all about... Alfie? So with that name, you've got a theme song and everything.

ALFRED: Actually, I was named after an English King who killed a lot of vikings.

SCOTT:
Sure, Alfred the Great. He was the first King of England--and the only English King to have an epithet. So good King to be named after.

ALFREDO: You pretty much know everything, don't you?

SCOTT: Good to meet you, Alfie. If I run into any vikings, I'll give you a call.